(Unreleased) Poem Discussion: On Complaining

Lament occurs not because of an event or outcome, but because our desires do not match them.

Welcome, dear reader, and thank you for your help and support on this journey. I am glad that you are here, and have enjoyed putting these articles together. 🤝

To get ready for this article, please consider:

• When was the last time that you complained about something? Whether a big or small thing, it makes no difference.

• Why was it you were complaining? Did it help you move through the situation?

• Did you have a physical response while complaining? (tightness in your chest, a flush feeling in your face, discomfort in your stomach)

• What is the difference between being miffed about something and actively complaining about it?

• What could be done about it instead of complaining?

With these items in mind, we delve into the dark well of complaining. For this article, I’ll define a complaint as any outward display of clear and unambiguous displeasure. When we are met with an outcome, situation, or object which we do not prefer, it is easy to find ways to voice our disapproval of them. We can shout, stomp our feet, break things, offer unjust criticism, and myriad other actions which make our position very clear.

While this communication is effective in showing that we do not approve of something, it also contextualizes the world in a shade of disdain and voluntary disappointment, leading to internal discontent and a constant search for inadequacies. I am not exempt, and have made my fair share of complaints:

• in school – the amount of homework I had to do, instead of hanging out with friends

• in sports – acting out when missing a shot on goal or when receiving a foul while playing soccer

• in work – the number of changes surrounding a formerly familiar process resulting in needing to relearn a system

• in family / relationships – seeing things from the perspective of others and realizing that my ideas are not always right

There is no shortage of things about which we can experience disappointment when things go against what we feel is warranted. It comes from a place of desiring comfort, equity, fairness, and/or safety. While this is true, complaining is not the same as taking action against that which we do not prefer; if we are always late to work due to traffic, instead of constantly complaining about traffic we could home leave 10 minutes earlier. I wrote this poem to remind me that complaining is not the same as taking action against what is not preferred. There are times when we can address what happens, and there are times when we cannot.

A most futile act
and egregious rebellion
against the cosmos: 
To complain is to
state that you know better than
Nature's reasoning,
to disapprove of
an outcome which did not go
the way you had wished.
Examine those wants. 
Are they selfish? Are they for
betterment of All? 
Can you take action
to change outcomes? Then do that, 
and do not complain. 
Can you not change things
which are done? Learn to accept,
and do not complain. 
These things are not bad. 
It's your opinion of them
which distresses you. 

Working through this poem taught me that lament occurs not because of an event or outcome, but because our desires do not match what is happening or has happened. Having a preference on how something goes is perfectly fine, but complaints about the results serve no purpose because what has happened is now a part of the unalterable past. No matter what we say, do, or want, once something has happened, it is done. And for things that are still in flux or alterable, a complaint is filler that occupies the space which could otherwise be taken up by meaningful action to address an issue.

Writing this poem has changed my perspective on how I react to outcomes and situations. Once something has happened – or once I identify that a scenario or set of circumstances is unable to be changed by me – I look for a reason why it’s good that it turned out the way that it did, rather than coming up with reasoning about why it would have been better if it had gone differently.

1. in school – the amount of homework I had to do, instead of hanging out with friends; while I may not have realized this at the time, it taught me discipline and the importance of delayed gratification.

2. in sports – acting out when missing a shot on goal or when receiving a foul while playing soccer; failure is an excellent teacher, and if I move past the initial irritation I can think about how to improve my form to take a better shot or how to avoid being tackled.

3. in work – the number of changes surrounding a formerly familiar process resulting in needing to relearn a system; this is a chance for me to show how adaptable I am, and make use of what is likely an improved process if I can get past my own self-imposed mental block.

4. in family / relationships – seeing things from the perspective of others and realizing that my ideas are not always right; like every imperfect person, my views may be clouded by preference, prior experience, or misinformation. I need to challenge what I think is true.

Complaints are pebbles thrown against a mountain. Just as the pebble gets lost among the boulders and dirt, words without meaningful intent are nothing but static noise. They are inconsequential to how things turned out, and whether they are said or not the result remains the same. Why choose to be miserable when we can choose to be appreciative? One of my favorite quotes from Seneca gives a radical take on complaining which inspired the entire poem.

What is most important? Being able to endure adversity with a glad mind, to experience whatever happens as though you wanted it to happen to you. For you ought to have wanted it to, if you had known that everything happens according to nature’s decree. Crying, complaining, and moaning are rebellion.

Natural Questions – pref. Book 3, point 12

This quote is not suggesting we wish for bad things to happen; what I do interpret it to mean is that once things are done, it is what the universe deems ideal for the betterment of the whole. We are not more important than the cosmos, and anyone who thinks that they are the center of it is delusional. It also inspired me to consider the entitlement I have held about things which I am not necessarily owed (health, money, reputation, food). All any of us are truly owed is death. Literally nothing else in life is promised, and while we are active agents and co-creators of our fate, we do not exclusively control the outcomes of events in our lives. It is important to exist in a constant state of gratitude for what has been presented to us by the cosmos and appreciate the preferred things in life while we have them.

Here is my logical processing to tie up everything we’ve discussed:

Premisses

1. There are things which are up to us, and things which are not up to us.

2. What is up to us are our thoughts and actions.

3. What is not up to us includes the outcomes of events, even when we have a say in them. There are always other forces at play in any scenario.

4. Once something is in the past, we are unable to change that the outcome.

5. A complaint about our own actions is illogical since we have the capacity to change ourselves.

6. We create much of the mental anguish we experience by agreeing with our judgments about things.

7. A complaint without a matching action in favor of rectifying a situation only increases distress.

Conclusion

We decide to either complain or take action when things turn out differently than what we prefer. Complaints about what isn’t up to us to change are useless since nothing can be done to alter the past, and complaints about what is up to us are disruptive to making necessary changes to address the reason for the complaint in the first place. Thus, it is better instead take action by doing what can be done to change a dispreferred scenario, or otherwise accept the outcome if an effort to change it would inevitably be fruitless.

It is a challenge to accept that we are not the main character in the world; I know it has taken me some time to move through this, at least. But once we acknowledge our place as a part of the whole, we can see ourselves in a larger context which takes a lot of the sting out of our experience, and our impulse to complain can be replaced with a call to meet challenges as chances to exhibit what we’ve learned about how to live well.